motherhood

It’s just a phase (we hope!)

~ Vickywoo ~ 5 Comments

  
So here we are. I’m a mother of 2, we’re a family of 4, Audrey is a big sister.
Such a big leap from being a tired woman with a bump and a non-toddling toddler – to being a tired woman with a newborn and non-toddling toddler! Thank goodness for paternity leave – my beloved husband has never been so needed!

So far, I feel like this time around is much harder than my experience with Audrey. I realise that it’s totally crazy sounding to say a c-section, unexpected Down’s Syndrome diagnosis and three weeks in a special care baby unit is easier than a vaginal birth and a healthy baby being at home within 48 hours. I guess it’s true what they say about childbirth fading from memory.

The main difference is that Audrey was a sleeper – I had to set alarms to feed her. Rex doesn’t have that problem. He is getting better (we’ve had a couple of 3 hour breaks between feeds – a miracle!), but unfortunately his keen feeding nature in the early days means I’m currently in cracked nipple hell! Again, something Audrey didn’t put me through…

But don’t get me wrong, Rex is delicious. I still appreciate his peach fuzz head and big baby blue eyes. He’s another perfect tiny human we made, but wow, his sister didn’t prepare us for a tricky baby! In fact, she tricked us into thinking babies were easy!

Audrey has been an absolute angel. She can say and sign Rex, she regularly says “Hi Rex!” And asks “You ok?” If he is crying (and to me too if I’m crying – like I said, I’m a hormonal wreck at the moment). She is so loving, gentle and sympathetic; she makes me cry just by being her, I’m bursting with pride and I miss her! I’m so often feeding and tending to Rex, Audrey time has diminished. But it’s a great chance for Daddy to get some Audrey time of course.

We are in the middle of a difficult stage – only 10 days in, it’s quite a shock to have a newborn in the mix. Will keep you posted, but I know things get better and I have to keep reminding myself “it’s just a phase…”

   
 

Feel the love

~ Vickywoo ~ Leave a comment

  

Last night Audrey wouldn’t settle on her own, which is reasonably rare and after a cuddle and sing song with Daddy, the crying started again. So it was my turn to have a go. 

She cuddled me with one arm tucked around me, with her other hand on my hand, interweaving fingers. I told her we were holding hands and she whisper-giggled with me at the fun we were having in this dimly lit room. I rocked in the chair silently and we gazed at each other whilst playing with our hands. A moment of perfection. I could feel our love. Her face – just the most beautiful little girl I’ve ever seen, her gaze fully locked on my mine, looking very much like a child who is not sleepy and will not be rocked to sleep!

Yes, it crosses your mind: er, excuse me miss, we had just started a new series on Netflix, I was about to put my feet up with a glass of milk (a pregnancy heartburn must)… But at that moment I just felt such bliss at being there for her. Being her mother. 

I’m sure I bang on about this in every post, but it’s a heightened feeling when you’ve had such negative thoughts about your child and your imagined relationship in those early days. It scares me to think that a “syndrome” label made me question the love and connection I would have for my daughter, but it did.

In fact, I’ve just recently been filmed sharing thoughts and feelings after diagnosis for a short film that will hopefully help new parents. And on an email calling for more contributors, a mother with a grown up son with Down Syndrome questioned her involvement – she wouldn’t want him to see her talking negatively about his life. Which I completely understand. However, I really hope to explain to Audrey one day that the reason I’ve shared so much online (including some pretty upsetting thoughts and feelings) is that I want society to move forward and I want to take as much of the negativity away from other parents as I can. And I want her to know that it’s because of her, because of her fabulousness, that I feel so strongly about banging this drum and changing perceptions.

Of course, in an ideal world I want someone to receive the diagnosis and think; ‘Who cares?’, but I appreciate it won’t be that simple. But how about, after the initial shock/upset/confusion, you quite quickly move forward by thinking about a family you saw online…? A mother who wrote about love, beauty and fun… She showed that your life with your little one might just be how you had expected things to be pre-diagnosis; singing songs together, reading books and cuddling before bedtime, sharing in a peekaboo joke… The path is a smaller deviation from the original than you might think and the overriding fact that should help take the negativity away is: you are their parent and you will love one another no matter what life throws at you. 

I’m thinking that’s parenthood as standard though, isn’t it?

  

Seconds

~ Vickywoo ~ 2 Comments

I’m writing this before our little man arrives (I suspect my blogging time might be a little reduced following his birth..?).

A second pregnancy is definitely a different beast. The first time around you can truly revel in being ‘with child’. When maternity leave hits, (all going well timing wise), you can have weeks to nap, read, chill out, enjoy decaf coffees… 

Audrey is a July baby. I had at least 5 weeks before she arrived in sunny Brighton, just enjoying some ‘me time’ and falling asleep regularly to my hypnobirthing CD.

This time around, I finished work with 4 weeks until due date, I fear he’ll be early (we’re week 38 now), but I only get 2 days a week of “me time” anyway (whilst Audrey is at nursery) so it’s really not the same. I don’t feel like I have blank weeks ahead that I can fill with baby grow folding and preparing for birth. I have our usual routine, plus tiredness, plus heartburn and I’m waking in the night for all manner of reasons (Audrey being one of those from time to time, but being uncomfortable/needing a pee/leg cramp etc etc also involved).

I have to lift Audrey a lot because, well, she can’t walk. And I have to walk around pushing her in the buggy because we don’t have a car and that’s how we get about, with a bit of bus travel thrown in. It’s not a big deal, but it definitely makes me tired. And she’s tiring because she’s a curious child who wants cuddles or books or snacks etc. Or me sat on the floor with her or her sat on the sofa with me. (She’s kinda bossy).

I have several fears this time around (last time I think I put it all off and didn’t feel like a baby was really coming, this time I can’t deny it!)…

– Exhaustion is probably number one, because I love and need sleep and I cannot see how I’m going to get enough with two kids to look after.

– Labour is also up there; I didn’t go into labour with Audrey, she stopped moving and I had an emergency C-section. I’m happily trying for a ‘natural’ birth this time (with no objections to a few drugs!), but the unknown is still strange and scary.

– Doing enough: how on earth can I breastfeed, entertain, cuddle, feed, clean, rest, leave the house… With 2?!? Eek.

– Just being a good mother and having enough love to give to a second child that is following in the footsteps of one of the most loved children on the planet.

At the same time, I know it will all be worth it to grow into a family of four. I also realise a lot of people have had two or more children and have survived to tell the tale.

But wish us luck anyway please!

    
 
  

NIPT: Don’t Screen Us Out

~ Vickywoo ~ 3 Comments

NIPT (non-invasive prenatal testing) is being hailed as an amazing breakthrough now available on the NHS in the UK, that will save so many babies. The theory is, women will be offered this testing and there will be no need for an amniocentesis – which carries a risk of miscarriage. No need for further testing because this non-invasive test will give you an accurate answer on whether the child you are carrying has Down’s Syndrome (or Edward’s Syndrome or Patau syndrome) and then you can be prepared for their future (aka you can abort). Ok, that’s harsh, but when you consider 9 out of 10 woman abort when finding out their child has DS through amniocentesis (generally quite far down the pregnancy time line), how many will choose to abort when having this accurate test at 12 weeks? 

This has rocked the DS community because we are basically heading towards the elimination of Down’s Syndrome altogether. Which feels like a pretty crazy concept when you actually have a child with DS. We’re part of a community that will cease to exist, but not only that, it will cease to exist because society decided that babies with Down’s Syndrome have less value than ‘typical’ babies. That their lives are so tough(?) troubled(?) unhealthy(?), that they are better off not living. How do we explain this to Audrey?

I do of course have to acknowledge that 80% of babies with Patau syndrome will die before they turn one. I do understand that some of the conditions identified early will be extreme conditions that are not the same or similar to DS, so a breakthrough like this may save heartbreak further down the line. And I don’t want to wade into this debate without acknowledging that we are screening for abnormalities and health problems. It’s just that I spend my days immersed in a world where people with Down’s Syndrome are making a difference, they are enriching lives and fulfilling a role within society. They are not something that needs to be screened out of existence.

Let’s imagine you are given power and options when you are pregnant and you can fill out a questionnaire choosing various traits and facts about your fetus – shaping them and their future. What boxes would you tick?

Would you like this child to be born disabled?

Would you like this child to wake up at 5am a lot? 

Would you like this child to be a fan of One Direction?

Would you like them to be slutty?

Would you like them to become a member of UKIP?

Let’s face it, we have little control over what that fetus will become. We can do our best to nurture a good human being. Someone fun, kind, clever… Someone who finds a perfect career and true love and happiness. Someone who looks after themselves and their family. But nothing is guaranteed. The only thing I can guarantee about having a baby, in my limited experience, is that you will love them unconditionally. They will be the best thing you ever did. The most beautiful thing you ever saw. The most valuable life to you. 

It scares me that a screening test will tell you your fetus has Down’s Syndrome and that’s what will define the baby. You’ll imagine a disabled child. You won’t know anything else about them. The screening won’t say their face will light up at the sight of yours. That they will dance like crazy to even a hint of music. They will clap and cheer and cuddle their teddy and say “They did it!” when someone wins on a gameshow. They will stroke your face and say “lovely”. When they hear you say “kitchen” they’ll do the Makaton sign for “chicken”. They will constantly crack you up, surprise you and frustrate you. Your world will revolve around their happiness and wellbeing and you’ll love it. 

The world needs diversity. Ups and downs. If we screen out conditions that cause complications and make people different, where will it end? How bland will life become if we can eventually make everyone “perfect”? It’s a sad future without more people like Audrey, that’s for sure. #dontscreenusout
 
   

  

Love love love part 2

~ Vickywoo ~ 5 Comments

Just a list of things I love, that Audrey does.

The way she dances to police sirens, lorry reversing beeps and builders banging (basically whenever she mistakes those kind of sounds for music).

The way she obediently hands things to me when I ask her to (how long will that last??).

The way she pats you on the back with her hand when cuddling and says “Ahhh”.

The way she blows kisses with a dramatic flourish.

The way she does something she’s not supposed to (emptying a pack of baby wipes, playing with our shoes or electrical cables) and says “Noooo!” whilst doing it.

The way she sucks her toes.

When she shuffles over to my feet, looks up at me with her arms spread wide and says “Ahhhh” – her way of asking to be picked up.

The way she points in her mouth and says “teeth” to ask to have her teeth brushed.

They way she claps and says “Yeah!!!” With such enthusiasm at the end of a song at music class or after some good drumming at our drumming group.

Pretty much every word she tries to say – her speech and language is coming along so well and I’m so proud of how hard she tries with everything from “sneeze” to “fish”.

Her lion roar.

The fact that at just 2 years old, she already has a favourite book (A Bit Lost) and that I don’t mind reading it 3 times before bed.

Bless you gorgeous Audrey for making everything little thing so loveable!

   
 

A day in the life

~ Vickywoo ~ Leave a comment

So I may have said this before, but having a cute kid with lots of hair and glasses is like stepping out with a celebrity. She gets so much attention. 

Today this is roughly how our day panned out…

9am: off out to catch a bus to our group for babies with special needs. See bus, do an enthusiastic sign for “bus”, wave the bus goodbye and see smiling faces on the passengers who have witnessed the joy at the event.

(We had at this point, just missed our actual bus, so we popped off to pick up a coffee from a favourite local trendy place).

9.15am: wave at beardy man in queue, get a wave back. Marvel at pastry treats behind glass (“Wow!”). Wave at everyone and anyone, receive wave back from man that Mummy had incorrectly pre-judged as grumpy.

9.20am: back at bus stop. See dog, sign “dog” and attempt to reach the dog from the sling position. Mummy thanks the man for stopping. Drunk man passes and compliments Audrey’s “bins”.

9.30am: get on our bus. Wave at people out the window, dance when the bus is stopped in traffic and the engine sounds like music (to Audrey’s ears).

9.35am: bus stops for a while by the shopping mall. Wave at man who isn’t looking until Mummy points out a willing participant who is watching from the bus stop. Waving back and forth is fun, but starts to get a bit uncomfortable once we are stopped there for a while. Mummy looks in opposite direction.

9.40am: motion of bus too much, fall asleep on Mummy and miss a dog that gets on the bus and sits right by us.

10am: arrive at reception for baby group, bum shuffle to the centre of the room, wave and say “Hi Daddy!” to the two ladies in reception. Throw ball.

10.03am: enter room for Early Stages group, greet all nursery nurses with a wave and “Hi!”, see tent filled with lights and say “Wow!”.

10.03-11.30am: greet any arrivals with a wave. Play at every station, but not for too long, lots of bum shuffling to do. Successfully make a choice at singing time (choosing is hard, Mummy advised offer row row and it’s a no brainer). Enthusiastically take part in all songs, clap and say “Yeah!” at the end of each one. Mummy beams with pride.

11.30am: have lunch. Make lots of yummy noises and copy speech and language therapist when she mimes rubbing her tummy. Everyone marvels at the signing.

12pm: bum shuffle over to the mirror and amuse everyone with babbling. Say what sounds like “Hi ladies!”. Leave with Mummy, wave bye bye and blow big kisses!

12.10pm: wave at girl at bus stop, who waves back and I think remembers us from last week.

12.20pm: get on bus, lady sits next to us and chatters at Mummy, wave to lady. Lady compliments eyelashes (Audrey’s, no one cares about Mummy’s anymore), marvels at Audrey’s old lady name.

12.30pm: fall asleep.

1.30pm: wake up, surprised to find we are on another bus. Stare at lady next to us as she has amazing sunglasses and a crazy hat on. Blow her a kiss.

2pm: arrive to play in waiting room ahead of eye test. Wave to everyone in room.

2.05pm: have to look at a light and some tiny toys, do ok, but not thrilled about it. Have eye drops and cry. Lady says Audrey really looks like Mummy when she is about to cry. Hmmm. Wave goodbye to lady as if she is a best friend and not the mean lady who put drops in eyes.

2.20pm: more crying in waiting room as older child knocks down a tower of bricks. Smiles and clapping once Mummy sings.

2.40pm: more eye test annoyance. Shake hands with eye lady. Lots of wriggling and noises of discontent. Eat rice cake to recover.

3pm: bus home, not feeling the best. Lots of thumb sucking and cuddling with Mummy.

3.30pm: in the shops. Lady comes to compliment glasses. Give her a smile and wave despite feeling under the weather.

4pm: more waving in the supermarket, lots of comments about those lovely rosy cheeks (ezcema!).

4.15pm: get home, play with toys and have some down time after all that waving.

The end.

No photos taken today, but this was last week skipping radio channels for our daily dance party…

  

Update: here she is today. Red cheeks and all:

  

Stuff and Things 6

~ Vickywoo ~ Leave a comment

We have just (well it’s been a couple of weeks now) clawed our way out of a dark time of illness. Ugh.

Audrey and I had a flu bug, one that really hit her hard. It was difficult to imagine us getting back to ‘normal’! Lethargy, lack of appetite, coughing, snottiness… But worst of all: no smiles. For 2 weeks. But it felt like forever.

But here we are on the other side and wow, has she come out of the darkness and into the light. It’s been amazing, Audrey’s signing has really progressed and her bum shuffling has gone from accidental circling movement to definitely moving forward purpose. 

The signing means we feel like we’re having proper conversations with her and the movement, well that’s just terrifying! Our flat is far from baby proof.

I’m still on the job hunt but I don’t really mind as I get to spend more time with Audrey. Easter is approaching and we will have some family time and who knows… maybe Audrey will taste a little bit of chocolate if she’s lucky.

Keeping it real…

~ Vickywoo ~ Leave a comment

Ok, so amongst the Instagram pics of Audrey grinning up from our everyone-seems-to-have Ikea rug, what else is going on…?

Let me tell you – puke. Poop. Snot. Eye goo. Worry. Tears. Exhaustion. 

Audrey has been ill this week and I’m currently in the thick of it (well no, that was probably more 2am when she woke about 40 mins after I’d just given her cuddles and Calpol and it took me an hour to rock her to sleep…), but right now I am filled with cold, breathing through my mouth, with Audrey slumped on me asleep, covered in crusty snot, with laboured breathing and a dry pouty little mouth.  I am tired and worried and I would like nothing more than to have a good cry. But instead, I’ll keep cuddling and I’ll keep shushing and saying “Mummy’s here, it’s ok”.

You might have thought the low point of the week was Audrey projectile-vomiting porridge and blueberries all over us both and that trusty rug, but no, today is definitely lower… Because today Audrey has slept all day. At the tiny points where she’s been awake (nappy change, sip of water, doctor prodding), she’s been lethargic and whiny and her eyes are like slits. I feel so utterly helpless and just want to rewind to yesterday when she perked up and wouldn’t stop waving to the receptive young couple behind me in the cafe. This is horrible. Seriously, how do mothers do this? It’s so horrible having an ill child. I adore the extra cuddles and I love the accessibility of her tasty forehead… But I’d do anything to see my bright little monkey again. The claps, the high fives, the constant request for food (signing “more”), come back little Audrey boo, I miss you!

I also (stupidly), feel like I jinxed things. I kept telling people how losing my job wasn’t so bad – being at home with Audrey is fun. And then this happens and I feel like I’m dealing with a newborn again – not knowing what to do for the best, second guessing her needs and hoping a cuddle solves all. Meanwhile, it’s one of the sunniest weeks we’ve had and I’m glued to the sofa.

Funny how each tiny phase feels like an age… I know that by next week I’ll have those smiles back, but for now, it feels like we will be ill forever and that little Audrey has lost her spark 😦



The gap widens…

~ Vickywoo ~ 1 Comment

When Audrey was a newborn, we over-used the phrase “she’s just a baby”. Because at that time, her needs were not very different to those of her peers. She felt different (floppier) and she had a cannula on her face for oxygen, but aside from that… It was still all naps, boob, nappies, bottle, cuddles…

Audrey was actually the first from the NCT crew to roll from her back to her front. At that point I thought she’d probably hit all the milestones within weeks of her baby friends. I was sure we had a baby with Down’s Syndrome that would out-perform any other.

Soon they were all rolling… And then Audrey was a bit behind on sitting up and holding her bottle/feeding herself. Then they were all crawling/bum-shuffling and she’s finally mastered sitting up, but even so, she wasn’t that far behind. But before you know it, they are all walking. They are all saying words; “Mama”, “Bye bye”, “Down”, “Dog”. Their hands are very purposeful… there is a marked difference.

Of course, all of the NCT mums are great. They play down their child’s achievements; “Oh he’s still not that steady on his feet..” or “He says ‘Mama’ for everything”, but bless them, their kiddies are doing what they should be doing and these are exciting milestones. I’m pleased for all of them that they have toddlers (bizarrely I have a toddler, but she doesn’t toddle). I’m (at times) genuinely relieved I don’t have to run after a walker yet. But of course there’s a little ‘pang’ there. I’d love for Audrey to be running around with her friends. I’d love for her to purposefully grab the drum and hit it with conviction (rather than some tentative taps here and there). But at the same time, I feel… Ok. I feel… like Audrey’s slow pace and our expectations mean that every little new thing she does is so exciting.

The gap has widened and that’s a bit scary, but in many respects, it’s not as hard as I thought it would be.

Today I watched Audrey cuddle a teddy, hand it to the speech and language therapist (who would then have a cuddle and pass it back), cuddle it again and so on. I just sat there thinking “she’s so clever!”. In fact, there isn’t a day goes by where I don’t think “she’s so clever”. She amazes me everyday.

I have taken her to a music class these past two weeks and sat there, filled with pride. She just loves music so much and she dances so creatively and enthusiastically. I basically sit there wanting everyone to look at my daughter, because she is the greatest dancer.

We also go to a weekly special needs group (where she cuddled the teddy) and Audrey works on development. She achieves something new every week. She always makes me proud. This week, she finally made a choice. They always offer the kiddies two toys and make them choose – Audrey would always either shake her head and refuse or just sit there blankly. Finally, this week she selected the maracas over the sparkly stick and then boy oh boy did she shake those maracas!!

I still kind of have to pinch myself about all this… that baby that popped out as a complete surprise… all those worries… all the negative thoughts… she makes me so happy and so proud. And every day I tell her how much I love her and how clever she is. Amazing.

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Love love love

~ Vickywoo ~ Leave a comment

I just wanted to write a post listing some things that Audrey does that I don’t want to forget… Perhaps I won’t forget, I’ll probably bore her with tales of her Hoover cuddles for years, but just in case…

I love…

Audrey’s eyes. The beautiful shape, the way they smile when she smiles, her eyelashes (that she inherited from me!).

The way she taps my should with her hand when I’m carrying her.

The way she reaches up with both arms to be picked up.

The way she dances… It’s a sight to behold! Rocking, head banging, hand wiggling… She is going to classes as soon as she can stand!

Kissing her forehead and soft hair.

When I ask her for a kiss and she cups my face with both her hands, so she can give me a full-on slobbery number.

Her sneezes. So tiny.

The way she picks up blueberries and eats them whilst maintaining eye contact with me the whole time.

The way she signs “finished” with a couple of turning fists.

Peekaboo with her own hands – it will never fail to make me proud that she figured out how to do that.

The way she claps, smiles and makes a positive “uhh” noise when she’s proud of herself (usually when we’ve praised her for drinking her water!).

The way her nose changes shape with a certain cheeky smile.

The way she giggles when she sees us putting on the sling/getting our coats on (because she knows she’s going out).

Her feet wriggling with excitement when food is coming.

The cuteness of her bottom lip before she cries.

Hoover cuddles! (Audrey is a little scared of the vacuum cleaner and clings to you like her life depends on it whilst it’s noisily on).

How she smiles and dances when I sing for her – even for the silliest made up songs.

The way she brushes her own hair, then holds the brush out to brush mine!

And many more… But that will do for now! X

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