Ok, so amongst the Instagram pics of Audrey grinning up from our everyone-seems-to-have Ikea rug, what else is going on…?

Let me tell you – puke. Poop. Snot. Eye goo. Worry. Tears. Exhaustion. 

Audrey has been ill this week and I’m currently in the thick of it (well no, that was probably more 2am when she woke about 40 mins after I’d just given her cuddles and Calpol and it took me an hour to rock her to sleep…), but right now I am filled with cold, breathing through my mouth, with Audrey slumped on me asleep, covered in crusty snot, with laboured breathing and a dry pouty little mouth.  I am tired and worried and I would like nothing more than to have a good cry. But instead, I’ll keep cuddling and I’ll keep shushing and saying “Mummy’s here, it’s ok”.

You might have thought the low point of the week was Audrey projectile-vomiting porridge and blueberries all over us both and that trusty rug, but no, today is definitely lower… Because today Audrey has slept all day. At the tiny points where she’s been awake (nappy change, sip of water, doctor prodding), she’s been lethargic and whiny and her eyes are like slits. I feel so utterly helpless and just want to rewind to yesterday when she perked up and wouldn’t stop waving to the receptive young couple behind me in the cafe. This is horrible. Seriously, how do mothers do this? It’s so horrible having an ill child. I adore the extra cuddles and I love the accessibility of her tasty forehead… But I’d do anything to see my bright little monkey again. The claps, the high fives, the constant request for food (signing “more”), come back little Audrey boo, I miss you!

I also (stupidly), feel like I jinxed things. I kept telling people how losing my job wasn’t so bad – being at home with Audrey is fun. And then this happens and I feel like I’m dealing with a newborn again – not knowing what to do for the best, second guessing her needs and hoping a cuddle solves all. Meanwhile, it’s one of the sunniest weeks we’ve had and I’m glued to the sofa.

Funny how each tiny phase feels like an age… I know that by next week I’ll have those smiles back, but for now, it feels like we will be ill forever and that little Audrey has lost her spark 😦