Love

Me vs. Mummy

~ Vickywoo ~ Leave a comment


This post is not about fighting my mother. Or indeed fighting my mother persona. It’s about being me versus being a mother. Yes I know you can do both. Not so sure I can though.

Women are all different of course and some are better at the “balance”(?) than others. I am back in the thick of being Mummy and not very me. Upon his arrival, Rex reset the dial to “maximum mummy” and I didn’t see it coming which was stupid considering I’d already been there, done that.

I feel like I’m wading through treacle even though everyone bangs on about “how quickly this time goes”, but I want to walk down the street alone, carrying a small handbag, maybe containing a book I’m half way through reading and meet a friend to sit and talk about crap for a couple of hours whilst drinking wine and nibbling cheese.

Instead I leave the house with a baby strapped to me, rucksack of many essentials on my back, pushing another child in a buggy. Often handing out breadsticks, constantly clock checking for nap times, feeding times, nappy changes. Worrying if little people are hot/cold/thirsty/have enough sun cream on. I can’t eat cheese because we think Rex is dairy intolerant (and I’m breastfeeding), I can’t drink copious amounts of wine as I’m told that’s not his thing either.

My hair is brown (with increasing grey) because my usual dabbling with fun colours is too much up keep. My clothes are functional, drool sodden and dull. I’m in need of a manicure, pedicure, wax, eye brow tidy up, massage… a full MOT basically. Yep, I feel a bit like an old car that needs a tune up.

Because I have been here before I know it will all come good. I can have silly hair again. I can wear clothes that don’t require access to my boobs, I can drink and eat what I fancy and I will one day spend time alone again. But it is so hard to imagine getting out when I am here; in the treacle, stuck to one child with another trailing behind.

And of course I see those mothers who don’t have to choose. They have their make up on, they are expressing or formula feeding and they are out and about enjoying themselves sans babies. Kids don’t hold them back, don’t change them. But I personally cannot get my head around it… I feel so very responsible for these mini-humans, they are my responsibility and Daddy is a helper. Yes I know this is stupid, but especially whilst I am on maternity leave, the baby is my “job” and it seems too early in the contract for taking a break. 

Plus babies seem to make me a routine-obsessed-control-freak. Yes, I’m that fun!

When the fog lifts and I can be “me” again, I’ll try to enjoy it as best I can. I’ll do a little dance if I get a full night’s (unbroken) sleep, actually I’ll do a big dance. The entire Flashdance routine.

In the meantime I’ll dabble in me… Put on something nice (only for Rex to smoosh banana on it and puke on me). Blow dry my hair only for the wind and rain on a long buggy walk to completely enhililate it. But these are glimmers of hope as the fog lifts… I can almost see the Cos shopping spree and cocktail night  somewhere on the horizon…

Photos to follow are a reminder of me before “Mummy” me…

San Fran 2009 and NYC 2012; freedom, hair, jewellery and fun:

My daughter 

~ Vickywoo ~ Leave a comment

I have a 3 year old daughter. She likes to play with my hair whilst she sucks her thumb.

She loves music and dancing.

She adores books.

She gives epic cuddles.

She likes watching Mr Tumble and Justin Bieber videos.

She reenacts ‘circle time’ from nursery at home with her toys.

She loves fruit.

Over-used phrases since she arrived include “I love you”, “You are so pretty”, “You are so clever”, “You make Mummy happy” and “Cuddles!”.

She is everything I ever dreamt my little girl would be and much more. As each day passes I see us together in the future; singing, shopping, scoffing popcorn at the cinema… All these simple things fill me with joy and excitement. My heart swells when I hear her call me “Mummy”.

…And I will just add that I still have to suffer the obligatory tantrums over presenting her with rice cakes instead of breadsticks or asking her to put her jacket on – it’s not all plain sailing.

But oh she is fabulous… Entertaining, amusing, cute as can be and incredibly emotionally intelligent (if she so much as sniffs a crack of upset in my voice she comes over “Y’ok Mummy?” – head tilted to one side in concern, offering a cuddle).

When we go out, I feel like I am proudly presenting her to the world; “Behold! My beautiful offspring!”.

The other night I put her to bed and laid down with my face next to her’s and said “I love you” and she stroked my face and said “I love you” right back. It was pure magic.

I fall more and more in love with her everyday.

Nothing out of the ordinary here, I assume many mums will read this and think, “Yes, sounds like a standard mother-daughter love.” And it is.

It’s just my daughter has Down’s Syndrome. So when she was born, someone gave me some news and some literature and it was like putting a sticker on her that said “This one is going to be a little bit rubbish and not meet your expectations”.

 

Thankfully that was bollocks.

This post is also on Selfish Mother; http://www.selfishmother.com/mother-daughter-love

The Joy of Rex

~ Vickywoo ~ 2 Comments


Poor Rex came into this world with Audrey’s footsteps (or bum-shuffle tunnel) to follow in. 

We have been hard on him because he’s been hard on us. But at the end of the day (although the day never seems to end with him!), he’s just a baby. Granted, a more difficult one, but still…

People tell us he’s very cute. He’s a pretty boy. What a lovely baby. We say “Yeah he’s alright”.

It is hard to enjoy a baby that is unsettled and waking a lot a night. Sleep depravation has made me snappy and crazy at times. I want to adore him the way I adore Audrey, but I think that’s going to take some time.

Rex is almost 6 months old and we have come a lot way since the “sleeping on me” days, even if we haven’t quite reached the peak of happiness we are hoping for… Anyway, I can say lots of positive things about him, because in truth, he is a bonnie baby (as well as a mighty mighty sh*tbag).

1. He loves a laugh. When he has slept and fed, he is generally quite a happy soul and Rex thinks peekaboo, sneezes, bouncing balls and the door bouncer are lots of fun.

2. He adores his sister. He gazes at Audrey with love and finds her very entertaining, it’s such a lovely thing to see developing.

3. He is very curious about the world. He grabs everything and anything and he loves to explore. 

4. He has amazing hair. Like a Muppet.

5. He has excellent leg chunk.

6. He has soft milky white skin like marshmallow. 

7. He has my eyelashes (as does Audrey) – these will serve him well.

We love you Rex, you little monster! But you had better sleep better soon!

Walk the walk

~ Vickywoo ~ 3 Comments

As you’ll have seen, I post a lot of positive stories about Audrey. It’s hard not to. But I want to be honest about something I am finding difficult; the fact that she can’t walk.

When she was born, one of the many things we were prepped for was the difference in when a typical child walks and when a child with DS does, I was pretty confident Audrey wouldn’t be too far behind her peers. I expected she’d be up and running around 2.

Well, we’ve passed her third birthday now and she hasn’t nailed it yet and let me tell you why that sucks…

I feel like she has lost out on a period of her childhood; outdoor activities, soft play, dancing, exploring and running after friends. I know this will come, but her friends have had this kind of childhood since they were 12? 14? 16? 18? months (I’m not even 100% sure when!).

In many ways she’s an easier child for me as a non-walker (less so now we have Rex), although I don’t want her to walk to help me out. I feel like she is being robbed of a typical childhood. It makes her officially “different”. Yes I know she is different, but at this age, kids are just kids. They play with each other at mixed ages and mixed abilities, but not being able walk puts her way behind.

My husband is a bit more laid back about it and I wish I could feel the same. Ultimately I do have to be patient, I can’t let frustration take over because that’s not going to help, but her almost 6 month old brother is rolling and pivoting and getting into things… he will be crawling soon and before we know it – walking too. It seems so crazy how quickly he is getting there and how slowly Audrey is.

But, hey, as I’ve said before, it is best to focus on what your child can do, rather than what they can’t and Audrey’s communication skills have excelled beyond our expectations. She sings so many songs (from Old Macdonald to Queen’s We Are the Champions!), she “reads” so many books and she is really polite – she even says “Thank you Rex” when she has given him a toy. She’s fabulous.

I guess I’ll have to wait for the running and jumping… I’m sure once it comes I’ll be so tired out by her (and Rex), I’ll be wishing for the bum-shuffling days? We shall see.

Here she is working hard at conductive education:



 

 

Audrey is 3!

~ Vickywoo ~ 1 Comment

Oops. Audrey turned 3 and I forgot to blog about it. Such is the foggy brain of a sleep-deprived mother of two.

She has had several rounds of “Happy birthday”, at home, Whoopsadaisy, nursery, over the phone from Nanny, at her picnic party in the park… So the happy birthday song has joined her repartoire and I hear it at least once a day. Another brilliant new favourite is “We Are the Champions” – we watched a Jimmy Fallon clip of lots of stars singing it and now Audrey sings the chorus a lot, much to our amusement.

Anyway, Audrey had a fabulous birthday. And here are some pictures to prove it… Oh and Rex tried some solids for the first time on her birthday, he was unsure!

With Mary and Claire, my bestfriends and bridesmaids

When it sucks to have two children…

~ Vickywoo ~ Leave a comment

It really sucks to have two children when you spend 25 mins patting a baby to sleep (because then you’ll be free to focus attention on your toddler) and 10 mins into the nap the toddler wakes the baby up. And then you snap at the toddler for doing this. And then you cry and your toddler says “Y’ok Mummy?”. And then you can’t get the baby back to sleep, so the baby is crying and the toddler wants to play ball, but you snap; “Well we can’t play ball now because YOU woke him up, now Mummy has to see to him and we can’t play together, well done”.

And then you cry some more, because this is just a stupid thing to say to your toddler and actually you’re just so damn tired and now have no idea what to do with the baby. He won’t sleep. But if you feed him he probably will fall asleep on you. Which means you definitely can’t do anything with the toddler and will spend at least 45 minutes telling the toddler to be quiet and play on their own and not wake the baby. But the toddler may go out into the hall and make banging noises and play with things they’re not supposed to and you’ll prioritise the baby’s sleep.

Annnnd breathe. 

Two non-walkers are bloody hard work. Especially when one wakes up a lot at night and naps best in a sling when out and about. It is exhausting and upsetting and at times I have questioned my mental health! And I feel pathetic for this. How many woman have had two kids with this age gap? Or even three kids to look after or more. It feels like… It can’t really be this hard, can it? 

I’m also amazed at how much guilt I feel when having a “moment” with one and not the other. It’s weird sharing love. Audrey was such a total focus for us and now she’s lost some of that focus because we’ve added a baby brother into the mix. I feel bad about it, even though in the long run everyone will be happier for it.

But in this heatwave it sucks to have a baby strapped to your front and another to push up one of Brighton’s many hills in the buggy. 

It sucks when one needs to be awake and the other needs to be asleep (and they often get this the wrong way around).

Or in the middle of the night when the baby has (finally) slept for a decent stretch but the toddler wakes up crying.

There are so many reasons that dealing with these two feels like a giant challenge at the moment, an uphill climb (with one kid attached to you and the other pushed in a buggy!!), but what will it be like once we reach the top? Only time will tell, but I am banking on this struggle having a happy ending. And I’m pretty sure it will. Hey, just look at the way Rex looks at his big sister…

National Breastfeeding Week

~ Vickywoo ~ Leave a comment

The first decent latch after the tongue snip. Note my messed up hand thanks to a dodgy canula.

Hello, a second post in one week? With two kids?!? I don’t know how I’ve managed it,  but I have!

It’s National Breastfeeding Week apparently. Although I do find all these “National Potato Day” and “Dog Walker Awareness Month” type things baffling (OK, I made that last one up), I thought I’d write a little something about breastfeeding since I’ve now done it twice with two very different experiences.

Baby number one (aka Audrey!):

No labour, emergency C-Section, surprise Down’s Syndrome diagnosis – a scary start to motherhood. Looking back I didn’t have time to consider that breastfeeding might not work out since I’d had a C-Section (which I understand can cause problems; your body needs to know it has given birth) and apparently babies with DS can struggle to breastfeed.Neither of these things were at the front of my mind when, around (20?) hours after she was born, I was taken up to try her on the boob. 

I love the way Ted remembers this moment. He sees it (rightfully so), through rose tinted spectacles – a memory of a mother falling in love with her baby at the instant she brought her to her breast. There was a lot going on that’s for sure,  but I do remember that nerve-wracking moment I was wheeled up to visit my poorly baby to try to feed her… And out came the boob, on went the baby… It worked! It was pretty exciting, although before that point we’d spent a day expressing collustrum in an embarrassing tricky manoeuvre involving my boob squeezing and Ted “hoovering” it up into a syringe. It was a bizarre experience.

And as breasfeeding progressed (in uncomfortable plastic chairs, surrounded by beeping machines, with my baby attached to various machines by wires and tubes), we were “lucky” enough to be thoroughly supervised by a lactation consultant. One who advised we use nipple shields intially to help with Audrey’s latch. This seemed to really help and within 8 weeks we were no longer using them and Audrey was breasfed until 8 months. 

I do remember the early stage being stressful and uncertain, but once we found our groove, I could leave the house confident I had a boob, so she would be fine for food. It helps packing light.

Our main issue with Audrey in those days was the reflux – the rivers of puke. They thought a floppy larynx probably caused it, but she couldn’t keep her feeds down and we were covered in milk sick all the time. She was changed (no exaggeration) at least 5 times a day. 

And when it came to saying goodbye to the boob, I was reluctant to let it go, it was sad, but then, Audrey was happy with a bottle and literally couldn’t care less at the change. We took away boob, put her in a cot and in her own room – all in the same week and got her sleeping through the night after one night of “training” (Ted going in for comfort when she woke instead of me feeding her). Job done. “Booby finished” as Audrey would say.

Baby number two (Rex):

My memory erased any issues I may have had with Audrey and when Rex popped out, I just hoped he wasn’t a puker and stuck him on. It seemed simple… But my nipples did hurt a bit… Then they hurt some more… Then they cracked and bled, oh joy. I think it was 7 days in that I cried out in pain so much that we decided something had to be done and that the NHS appointment several weeks away was not going to help. We paid for a private lactation consultant to come and snip the posterior tongue-tie and finally feeds were no longer so painful that I lived in fear of each one, flinching as I put my newborn to my breast *shudders at the memory*. 

Well meaning midwives had said he latch looked OK and that I should persevere, that the nipples would heal soon, that perhaps he just needed to grow a bit. I’m glad we didn’t give up, but I’m also glad I didn’t just ride it out because a few more days of pain and I would have bulk-bought the Aptimil and sacked off the boob forever!

As it is, breastfeeding Rex is on the one hand fantastic, convenient, bonding, amazing… On the other hand a pain (we think he has a cow’s milk intolerance so I can’t eat dairy!). The funny thing is, I  vowed to combi-feed with Rex (as we were eventually made to “top” Audrey up with formula to give her more calories and the bottle turned out to give us some independence), but because we think he’s intolerant, we can only give him prescribed formula… But I can only get the prescription by testing his intolerance by introducing dairy… And I can’t face him being a shit, even if it is just for one night. He basically writhes around with wind and wakes a lot. Which he does anyway, but less so when I’m not touching dairy. It’s frustrating to watch, hideous to wake up to and just a really exhausting aspect of having a baby. This time around I am thinking about switching to formula at 6 months and I cannot wait for Rex to be eating solids. I need him to sit up, get his wind out and sleep more!! Please!!

Anyway, ranting aside, breastfeeding is amazing if you can do it. I look down at him drinking from my body and I can’t quite believe it, it’s pretty magical. However it is also really hard for some (lots of) people and no one should take it for granted. I could so easily be formula feeding right now if we hadn’t paid privately to get his tongue snipped, I didn’t have the strength to keep going in pain, on the promise of midwives that it would get easier with time. The funny thing about time is… yes, 6 weeks is a speck in the scheme of a lifetime, but it’s a bloody long time when you have to keep a human alive by doing something scream-out-loud-painful about 10 times a day. 

So let’s celebrate #nationalbreastfeedingweek but also not forget those who wanted to do it but couldn’t because it was bloody hard. 

Typical challenges

~ Vickywoo ~ Leave a comment

It’s early to acknowledge this (given we only have 3 months of experience with a “typical” child), but I’ve started thinking about how different this journey is going to be in comparison to our experience with Audrey.

We’ve joked our house is Audrey-proof, but not child-proof. Audrey picks up things and hands them to us… “Daddy’s” she says, passing me some headphones, “Mummy’s juice” she says proudly, pointing at my glass of drink (not touching it). She is gentle, she is careful and she can barely reach/climb/have the strength to pull things over. Rex will be very different and it’s scaring me already. 

So funny to feel like parenting a “typical” baby is a pain in the bum. “He’s so sturdy!” we exclaim, with worried looks. “He’ll be an early walker” people tell us, and we exchange terrified glances. We are used to slow-mo growth; example – Rex is nearly 4 months old, he is wearing age 3-6 months (stands to reason) and Audrey wore these clothes around 10 months! It really puts into perspective how small she was. How small she is.

And with that we have an almost 3 year old who can’t walk. She started bum-shuffling at 18 months, all that time we had a “baby”. Rex is going to seem like a fast-forward monster child! I already call him chunk and he’s just a reasonable size, poor kid.

I say “poor kid”, but he’s still a real challenge, so it’s “poor us” really. He wakes a lot, still only sleeps well in the sling for daytime naps and can be generally unhappy just hanging out on his play mat. I am really banking on solids and sitting up changing him, I think he would prefer an upright view and he would enjoy some food, but God help us if that makes no difference! Eek.

I still recognise that people must think it’s nuts that I talk about our experience with Audrey as easy (Down’s Syndrome, oxygen canisters, tests and appointments and worries about her future…), but that Rex is hard. But no one has a baby expecting that much of your time together is stressful and he can make things stressful just being so whiny and needy. 

That aside, he is beautiful and he loves a laugh – I can already see that his sister is going to be such a great friend to him- he looks at her with love already and she makes him smile. They are fabulous children and one day Rexy, one day we will look back and laugh about how difficult you were!

Everything happening right now

~ Vickywoo ~ Leave a comment

Blogging is actually pretty hard for me at the moment. Not least because for the majority of the day I have a baby strapped to me or feeding on me, but mostly because I am dead on my feet with a foggy brain but filled with things to say. Too much to get out and no time to devote to writing about it.

I want to attempt to tell you what it’s like to have a newborn and almost 3-year-old. Except I can’t tell you exactly what it’s like because it’s different for everyone. For every person that says “oh my God yes Rex sounds exactly like my first child – I had to build a fortress of cushions so that I could sleep with the baby propped on me at night!” there’s another person who says having two is a  breeze; the second baby just slept all the time. That second group of people are how we ended up in this mess.

I want to talk about Audrey and how much she has changed. She is literally gaining new skills every day, from crawling and climbing, to more words and confident interaction with her peers. I want to boast about her, talk about how proud we are… But also moan because she’s being stroppy and playing games to get mummy attention.

I want to moan about giving up dairy, because I bloody love cheese and milkshakes and cake and… but I also want to brag about how much it’s helped Rex to settle. He’s a different baby. Oh and even with a dramatic diet change I can find a way to eat crap – Oreos are dairy-free you see and so are dodgy chewy sweets and marshmallows.

And of course Rex settling means I want to finally say – he’s gorgeous! He’s beautiful! Still hard work (babies are), but now we get joy from him and I can see the light at the end of this tunnel – it no longer seems so far. We need to get him sleeping independently, but we’ll crack it eventually.

I want to moan about how much babies age you- I’ve always felt and looked a bit younger than I am. People would generally be surprised by my age. I am definitely 37 now. I have two kids and the dark eye circles to prove it. Eek.

And the mummy guilt, oh the guilt! Maybe I will save that for another post…

So much to cover, all of which I planned to be several long blog posts of my ramblings, but there you have it, I’ve told you in one for now. And I’ve done it all with a baby sleeping in my arms, who has unfortunately woken up because my leg was going dead and I had to move it. Bloody kids.

But wow, Rex is 3 months old!

Here Comes Audrey… Marching Along

~ Vickywoo ~ Leave a comment

Audrey has successfully walked on her own with a walker (both a standard plastic thing at home and a fancy rollater at conductive education)!

Yes, I cut straight to the juicy detail there.  It feels so exciting and terrifying to think she might be close to walking. 

When Audrey was a baby, I looked at the parameters for children with DS walking (from typical age to 5 the book said) and I thought; “well she will walk at typical age or not much later”, because I wanted to be positive, but also I believed in Audrey. I knew she was the greatest kid with Down’s Syndrome I’d ever known, I was so sure that with lots of help she could hit all those milestones as early as possible.

The reality is, even if we had been super hot on physio and/or lots of crazy gadgets for walking/improving muscle tone, Audrey would still be delayed. She has low muscle tone that is hard to deny. Plus she chose to bottom shuffle rather than crawl – this is practically walking, she has her hands free. So in her eyes, no rush!

As I look at this year, the year she will possibly walk independently, I feel a mixture of emotions. I’ve been so desperate to see her run around like her peers. She misses out on park time, outdoor play and even soft play (you need to be able to climb). However I’m worried about how it will change things – eyes needed in the back of my head? A child that’s no longer happy in the buggy or sitting in a high chair? I know this is standard progression and something mums of typical children have dealt with already by 14 months (is that the average walking age??), but Audrey is 3 in July and I still haven’t had to worry about these things. 

She is just starting to realise that Rex is taking up mummy time, she is calling out for me a lot, following me around and is trickier to get settled at night time. Audrey is really growing up. I love being her number 1, but it’s so hard when I can’t devote all my time to her. I hope her improvement in walking, standing and climbing will help give her some independence and help her to need me less, although I suspect I’m in for many months of struggling with how to split my time between demand breastfed baby and demanding toddler!