My daughter 

I have a 3 year old daughter. She likes to play with my hair whilst she sucks her thumb.

She loves music and dancing.

She adores books.

She gives epic cuddles.

She likes watching Mr Tumble and Justin Bieber videos.

She reenacts ‘circle time’ from nursery at home with her toys.

She loves fruit.

Over-used phrases since she arrived include “I love you”, “You are so pretty”, “You are so clever”, “You make Mummy happy” and “Cuddles!”.

She is everything I ever dreamt my little girl would be and much more. As each day passes I see us together in the future; singing, shopping, scoffing popcorn at the cinema… All these simple things fill me with joy and excitement. My heart swells when I hear her call me “Mummy”.

…And I will just add that I still have to suffer the obligatory tantrums over presenting her with rice cakes instead of breadsticks or asking her to put her jacket on – it’s not all plain sailing.

But oh she is fabulous… Entertaining, amusing, cute as can be and incredibly emotionally intelligent (if she so much as sniffs a crack of upset in my voice she comes over “Y’ok Mummy?” – head tilted to one side in concern, offering a cuddle).

When we go out, I feel like I am proudly presenting her to the world; “Behold! My beautiful offspring!”.

The other night I put her to bed and laid down with my face next to her’s and said “I love you” and she stroked my face and said “I love you” right back. It was pure magic.

I fall more and more in love with her everyday.

Nothing out of the ordinary here, I assume many mums will read this and think, “Yes, sounds like a standard mother-daughter love.” And it is.

It’s just my daughter has Down’s Syndrome. So when she was born, someone gave me some news and some literature and it was like putting a sticker on her that said “This one is going to be a little bit rubbish and not meet your expectations”.

 

Thankfully that was bollocks.

This post is also on Selfish Mother; http://www.selfishmother.com/mother-daughter-love

Walk the walk

As you’ll have seen, I post a lot of positive stories about Audrey. It’s hard not to. But I want to be honest about something I am finding difficult; the fact that she can’t walk.

When she was born, one of the many things we were prepped for was the difference in when a typical child walks and when a child with DS does, I was pretty confident Audrey wouldn’t be too far behind her peers. I expected she’d be up and running around 2.

Well, we’ve passed her third birthday now and she hasn’t nailed it yet and let me tell you why that sucks…

I feel like she has lost out on a period of her childhood; outdoor activities, soft play, dancing, exploring and running after friends. I know this will come, but her friends have had this kind of childhood since they were 12? 14? 16? 18? months (I’m not even 100% sure when!).

In many ways she’s an easier child for me as a non-walker (less so now we have Rex), although I don’t want her to walk to help me out. I feel like she is being robbed of a typical childhood. It makes her officially “different”. Yes I know she is different, but at this age, kids are just kids. They play with each other at mixed ages and mixed abilities, but not being able walk puts her way behind.

My husband is a bit more laid back about it and I wish I could feel the same. Ultimately I do have to be patient, I can’t let frustration take over because that’s not going to help, but her almost 6 month old brother is rolling and pivoting and getting into things… he will be crawling soon and before we know it – walking too. It seems so crazy how quickly he is getting there and how slowly Audrey is.

But, hey, as I’ve said before, it is best to focus on what your child can do, rather than what they can’t and Audrey’s communication skills have excelled beyond our expectations. She sings so many songs (from Old Macdonald to Queen’s We Are the Champions!), she “reads” so many books and she is really polite – she even says “Thank you Rex” when she has given him a toy. She’s fabulous.

I guess I’ll have to wait for the running and jumping… I’m sure once it comes I’ll be so tired out by her (and Rex), I’ll be wishing for the bum-shuffling days? We shall see.

Here she is working hard at conductive education:



 

 

Audrey is 3!

Oops. Audrey turned 3 and I forgot to blog about it. Such is the foggy brain of a sleep-deprived mother of two.

She has had several rounds of “Happy birthday”, at home, Whoopsadaisy, nursery, over the phone from Nanny, at her picnic party in the park… So the happy birthday song has joined her repartoire and I hear it at least once a day. Another brilliant new favourite is “We Are the Champions” – we watched a Jimmy Fallon clip of lots of stars singing it and now Audrey sings the chorus a lot, much to our amusement.

Anyway, Audrey had a fabulous birthday. And here are some pictures to prove it… Oh and Rex tried some solids for the first time on her birthday, he was unsure!

With Mary and Claire, my bestfriends and bridesmaids

Everything happening right now

Blogging is actually pretty hard for me at the moment. Not least because for the majority of the day I have a baby strapped to me or feeding on me, but mostly because I am dead on my feet with a foggy brain but filled with things to say. Too much to get out and no time to devote to writing about it.

I want to attempt to tell you what it’s like to have a newborn and almost 3-year-old. Except I can’t tell you exactly what it’s like because it’s different for everyone. For every person that says “oh my God yes Rex sounds exactly like my first child – I had to build a fortress of cushions so that I could sleep with the baby propped on me at night!” there’s another person who says having two is a  breeze; the second baby just slept all the time. That second group of people are how we ended up in this mess.

I want to talk about Audrey and how much she has changed. She is literally gaining new skills every day, from crawling and climbing, to more words and confident interaction with her peers. I want to boast about her, talk about how proud we are… But also moan because she’s being stroppy and playing games to get mummy attention.

I want to moan about giving up dairy, because I bloody love cheese and milkshakes and cake and… but I also want to brag about how much it’s helped Rex to settle. He’s a different baby. Oh and even with a dramatic diet change I can find a way to eat crap – Oreos are dairy-free you see and so are dodgy chewy sweets and marshmallows.

And of course Rex settling means I want to finally say – he’s gorgeous! He’s beautiful! Still hard work (babies are), but now we get joy from him and I can see the light at the end of this tunnel – it no longer seems so far. We need to get him sleeping independently, but we’ll crack it eventually.

I want to moan about how much babies age you- I’ve always felt and looked a bit younger than I am. People would generally be surprised by my age. I am definitely 37 now. I have two kids and the dark eye circles to prove it. Eek.

And the mummy guilt, oh the guilt! Maybe I will save that for another post…

So much to cover, all of which I planned to be several long blog posts of my ramblings, but there you have it, I’ve told you in one for now. And I’ve done it all with a baby sleeping in my arms, who has unfortunately woken up because my leg was going dead and I had to move it. Bloody kids.

But wow, Rex is 3 months old!

We go together…

Just a short crazy post about watching Grease “live” on TV today (a recording of the Broadway musical that went out live on US TV and was shown on ITV2 this afternoon).

Something so silly, so simple and yet it made me think…

Look I know this is stupid, but when I was growing Audrey in my tummy (probably even before that), I had daydreams about my daughter and the things we’d do together. Shopping for clothes, tea and cupcakes in a nice cafe, PJ nights with a girly film… And for some stupid reason when little Audrey popped out with her extra chromosome, I felt (in those early days) that all that had been ripped away. This wasn’t the daughter who would care about fashion or want to do girly things with her mummy. This was an unknown child, I wasn’t sure what she’d be capable of or would want to do, I felt completely thrown and unable to daydream about our future.

Fast forward to February 2016. Audrey is 2 and a half, she wakes from her nap and we join in on his performance of Grease just after Greased Lightning. She has just woken from a nap so is snuggled on my lap, sucking her thumb. I sing along to some of the songs, she’s gazes up at me with her beautiful eyes. When she is a bit more awake, she sits next to me on the sofa and we boogie to ‘Born to Hand Jive’, she tries to copy the moves, she sings a little. I am in heaven. My little girl and I, doing just what I always imagined we’d do together. In fact it blew me away that we shared this moment when Audrey is only 2 and half.

She continues to amaze me.

   

  

Audrey turns 2!

Ahh that time of year where we reminisce about Audrey’s arrival and look at how far we’ve come.

Well, we’ve come a long way since the shock of a c-section and an extra chromosome! 

Audrey is the best thing that ever happened to us. I think people under estimate the power of love (apart from maybe Jennifer Rush and Frankie goes to Hollywood, they seemed to get it). 

The love we have for Audrey just grows and grows. I always thought love for a child was instant and unchanging, whereas it’s actually been more of a slow burn. A little love at first, then more and more and more; and, as they become more of a ‘person’, the love starts to go through the roof!

I basically want to eat her up I love her so (plagiarised from Maurice Sendak, apologies).

What I find frustrating, is that I can’t wave a magic wand and make anyone about to become a parent to a child with Down’s Syndrome have this feeling we have now. The pride, the joy and the genuine contentment we feel having Audrey as our daughter. Not wanting to change her, being so proud and so much in love.

I just hope that sharing our lives will help someone out there somewhere feel better – whatever stage they are at (pre-natal diagnosis, shock arrival, a few weeks or months in) and just take away a bit of that stress involved with looking to the future. Don’t project too much, don’t start thinking months or years ahead – enjoy that bump/baby you have right now and just know that they are going to be awesome. Fact.

  

Love love love

I just wanted to write a post listing some things that Audrey does that I don’t want to forget… Perhaps I won’t forget, I’ll probably bore her with tales of her Hoover cuddles for years, but just in case…

I love…

Audrey’s eyes. The beautiful shape, the way they smile when she smiles, her eyelashes (that she inherited from me!).

The way she taps my should with her hand when I’m carrying her.

The way she reaches up with both arms to be picked up.

The way she dances… It’s a sight to behold! Rocking, head banging, hand wiggling… She is going to classes as soon as she can stand!

Kissing her forehead and soft hair.

When I ask her for a kiss and she cups my face with both her hands, so she can give me a full-on slobbery number.

Her sneezes. So tiny.

The way she picks up blueberries and eats them whilst maintaining eye contact with me the whole time.

The way she signs “finished” with a couple of turning fists.

Peekaboo with her own hands – it will never fail to make me proud that she figured out how to do that.

The way she claps, smiles and makes a positive “uhh” noise when she’s proud of herself (usually when we’ve praised her for drinking her water!).

The way her nose changes shape with a certain cheeky smile.

The way she giggles when she sees us putting on the sling/getting our coats on (because she knows she’s going out).

Her feet wriggling with excitement when food is coming.

The cuteness of her bottom lip before she cries.

Hoover cuddles! (Audrey is a little scared of the vacuum cleaner and clings to you like her life depends on it whilst it’s noisily on).

How she smiles and dances when I sing for her – even for the silliest made up songs.

The way she brushes her own hair, then holds the brush out to brush mine!

And many more… But that will do for now! X

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Feminism

Feminism is trendy (or should that be trending?) right now.

I’ve read so much these passed couple of weeks; from a misogynistic Viner getting a TV series commission (and getting axed) to the internet trolls that attacked the people who commented on his misogyny… the wonderful celebs wearing the “This is what a feminist looks like” tee to the evil celebs wearing the “This is what a feminist looks like” tee (because it was made by an under-paid woman in a sweatshop).

This sort of attention on feminism interests me now more than ever because of Audrey. I consider what sort of world she will grow up in and what the future holds for her as a woman.

Historically for me, feminism was a dirty word. I always pictured Germain Greer, with a burning bra on a pitchfork, talking about banning something as harmless as page 3. I certainly never thought I would consider myself a feminist. Around the age of 15 I discovered that if you stopped wearing long skirts and DMs and switched to miniskirts and knee-high boots, boys noticed you. I am ashamed to say I played dumb in Design Technology so a boy would assist me with and thought nothing of it at the time. I purchased a wonderbra and pitched myself very much on the “feminine” not “feminist” side of the fence.

For years I thought sexism was a dated concept and that hey, we are all equal these days, so why are women still banging on about it? My first real “brush” with sexism was in a job I took in the early noughties. The MD was proper old school (paper rollerdex, a secretary made all calls for him,he returned from long lunches stinking of booze, drove home… you get the picture). I was there for around a year when someone left and we were recruiting for our office manager. As the stack of applicants arrived, the pile diminished into those requiring the lowest salary, but more significantly, women only. I was soon informed that the first thing he did for any admin jobs or in fact, the job I had, was limit to women only. They also told me to look at myself and the other females working there – were we all not quite similar? Did he have a type? For the technical jobs, he did the opposite and considered men only.

One day an error (purposely guided by the MD) occurred and I heard him apologising on the phone to the client, blaming “the girls” and dismissing it as our sloppiness. There was never any funny business with this man, but over time it became clear that he regarded the woman working there as “silly girls” and certainly respected his male colleagues much more.

So I realised there were still a few sexist dinosaurs out there, but still didn’t feel the need to rise up with my sisters and declare myself a feminist…

My interest in feminism now comes from Audrey and how she will experience life as a girl. We want her to feel equal (and let’s put aside her other struggles with equality due to DS), confident and as important as any boy.

One thing Ted and I constantly despair at, is the clothing on offer for baby girls. We have no problem with pink in moderation, but we do not think she needs to be dressed in a way that constantly screams “I’m a girl!”. The main issue we have with girls’ clothing and toys (and how is this still happening in this day and age?), is the pinkification of things to appeal to girls. They make pink versions of Superman outfits, they do a pink version of the (usually so yucky brown!) Gruffalo, girls t-shirts are littered with kittens and bows and butterflies and glitter… boys get dinosaurs and monsters and bears (much cooler), most of which escape tacky embellishments.

I’m curious as to who is in charge of the importance of girlification? Has the beast been created because that’s what the majority of buying parents want? Or is there a conspiracy to keep girls girly, flood them with pink early and they’ll never want to take the decent jobs? They’ll all want to be popstars and wags?

One thing I do know, is that I want to ensure Audrey is exposed to choices on that front. Yes, I know that in a few years she will probably be choosing the ugliest, pinkest, glitter-covered princess outfit in the shop, but isn’t that more reason not to cover her in it now? Feminism should be about choices. Women now have the choices and the opportunities to be whatever they want to be…

Let’s not forget, Audrey was a pirate (on pirates and princesses day) and a bat (on Halloween):

 

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